Myth #17: You need to be thin to be sexy
Myth #18: You can’t be desirable and fat
“Cassie, would you put some clothes on!”
“I’m just getting something out of the bathroom!”
“That does not give you license to run around the house naked!”
“Sorry!” She attempted to cover her capacious curves with her hands, to no avail.
Cassie, Peter’s girlfriend, lived in our family home in 2009. I hadn’t really seen a lot of naked women at that point – a super-Christian upbringing where the whole ‘Eve was sinful, then we had to hide our nakedness’ bit didn’t encourage a lot of nudity.
But as my eyes followed Cassie in aghast awe down the corridor back to her room, I was mesmerised. She was breathtaking. Her body was the perfect figure eight, the very definition of curvaceous. She often wore these cutesy clothes from Cotton On that did nothing much for her, but naked, she was luscious, lascivious; stunning. Like something straight out of a Renaissance era painting.
Maybe lots of people look better naked? I don’t think it much matters your size.
You’d be forgiven for thinking that in order to be sexy, you have to be a skinny Minnie or a slim Kim.
How many times in your life has an ad, a TV show, or a movie used a larger woman as a sex symbol?
Basically never.
Sexy and skinny are conflated in our world ALL.THE.TIME.
I don’t know about you, but through a lifetime of TV, movies, music videos, and anecdotal evidence, it’s easy to conclude that in order to ‘get the guy’ (or the girl, whatever your flavour) you need to be thin and desirable.
This whole notion of women having the luxury of financial and social independence and not giving a shit about men’s opinions of their bodies is really new, and it hasn’t translated through all ages and stages yet.
We are only a generation, maybe two, from where women’s economic security was coupled to their ability to be beautiful enough to ‘nab’ a guy, and woman enough to keep him. Lady in the street, freak in the sheets – the wifely Madonna/whore complex that Freud spoke of.
How many of us are letting ourselves own that freedom though?
So very many of us still believe that in order to ‘get the guy’ and ‘be happy’ (as if those two things are the same thing) we need to master ourselves by way of being as slim as humanly possible.
My motivation to be thin when I was younger was to ‘get a guy to love me’, ‘people ‘should’ be skinny’, ‘skinny is beautiful’, ‘my parents will love me more’, ‘people take skinny people more seriously’, all really boiling down to ‘But I just want people to like me more.’
I’m not sure 23 year old me would’ve been able to articulate too many of those things, but in hindsight, I think there were quite a few of those motivating factors in play – particularly the ones around a life partner.
It’s not like these conclusions were reached in a vacuum.
The female form is used as a marketing tool for nearly everything.
The ubiquitous nature of the pictures from the back of toilet doors, to rubbish bins, buses and more show people (usually women – beauty sells), usually white, (though tanned) and not a single out of place blip or bump on their whole figure, selling everything from cars to shoes to whatever Zalando is (high fashion, it turns out).
Do you know any women that flawless in real life?
How many women do you know that wish they were?
There is a very particular form that is presented as ‘desirable’ or ‘sexy’, ‘ideal’. Model requirements mean women need to be size 8 and six foot, and have a waist that’s 25 inches. Less than 5% of the population is naturally of this body type, and fewer still have the right skin tone, or other features. This article does a great job of putting it in perspective in terms of statistical likelihood of a woman fitting those specs. Less than 3%, according to them.
The problem with ALL models being thin, white and tall, is that then means if you don’t tick those boxes, you might start to believe it can become harder to get your box ticked, if you know what I mean. It teaches men that, obviously, there are women like that out there – loads of them – and women that they should spend their whole lives trying to look like that.
Models and movie stars are not indicative of real life. They’re designed to sell a fantasy. So are men like Liam Hemsworth. Smoking hot, not every guy looks like him. But not every guy needs to.
Most women are happy to ‘settle’ for real connection, someone who makes us laugh, actual love, a sweet guy who smiles when we walk in the room, and tells us we’re pretty. This is largely true for humans in general. Guys might find models/pornstars/actresses hot, but most prefer real live women that they can feel, caress, see and hang out with. We just want someone who gets us. (Liam, if you’re reading, DM me 😉 )
With the exception of a shallow, superficial few, people seek connection over the perfect complexion.
I remember in my mid-twenties despairing because I’d gained some weight, and I was convinced I’d never find love, because men worth having can’t really love fat women, least of all me. Maybe like me enough to fuck me, but not enough to love me.
Like those of us that are prone to perfectionism about our bodies, I had this Jekyll and Hyde complex of simultaneously thinking that guys should like me, should find me attractive, that perhaps the right person would be able to look past the muffin top and the curves. Then if they did, I was inclined to think that anyone who thought I was beautiful was an untrustworthy actor. The very act of them thinking that I was desirable made me dubious of their opinions, such was my steadfast belief that I wasn’t slim enough, pretty enough, desirable enough.
I was quite surprised when I actually tested this theory and discovered there were still men willing to sleep with me, date me, love me and even marry me.
I naively assumed that guys wouldn’t be at all accepting of my curves, and they’d be just as conditioned to hate larger female forms as women were.
Turns out this is untrue.
It was a real wake up call when I realised that there was a whole porn category for Big Beautiful Women. Some guys really like curves – more cushion of the pushin’.
They’re not just being nice.
Almost as if it were possible to be sexy, no matter what your size.
Before we proceed further, we could get into a whole debate, and we will, about how you don’t have to be sexy, you can just be. Bodies do not need to have sex appeal or aesthetic value for them to be valuable, but I think a great many of us quite enjoy being desired, so we will assume the idea of desirability and sexiness is ‘normal’ and ‘positive’ for this post, and come back to this particular strand of the debate.
So if sexy isn’t size-based, what is it?
How could you feel more sexy in the skin you’re in, right now, if you were into that kinda thing?
One could try a calendar girls style photoshoot – highly recommended with the right photographer to be sexy, sensual and hilarious.
Try meditation. Dance – around the kitchen or around a ballroom. Exercise. Get a massage. Go to Zumba class. Swim! Skip around like a kid. Play. Get the endorphins flowing! If you’re feeling brave, go skinny dipping. It’s easier to feel sexy when you are present in your body. Explore the edges of yourself.
Find a dress that makes you feel a million bucks – find one with pockets! Wear the dress. Enjoy the dress.
Some might argue that masturbation is a good way to reawaken your desires and figure out what you like.
Create some fantasies. Fulfil some fantasies.
If you happen to have a partner who revels in your body, that can be great. But unless you really enjoy your body yourself, that can feel fake, forced, or obligation-fulfilling. Sometimes if you feel unhappy with your body, sharing your body with someone else isn’t very fun. I don’t know about you, but it’s taken some real mind work to be able to enjoy my body and own my body once I got a little larger.
If you’d like a taster in enjoying your own body, might I suggest a burlesque show?
I love how pole dancing and burlesque have become much more mainstream, where women can play, pivot, pirouette their form.
I went to a burlesque competition as part of Whanganui’s Vintage weekend a few years ago. It was a lot of fun, and they’d gotten headline acts in from all over the country. Some were waiting in star-struck wonder. I was just intrigued – what was this night going to be like?
As the night went on, we saw every shape and size of body, all captivating, all shaking what their Mama gave them. Those who were sleek and svelte, those with cute curves, those who’d had children, older women, younger women, and every single one of them was beautiful, sensual, sexy in their own right.
They simpered and shook, teased and tasselled, feathered and flaunted the night away, each oozing confidence, owning the stage, the room held captive not just by their stunning figures, but how they moved, the energy they brought to their performance.
Burlesque celebrates the jiggly wiggly bits. It is raw sensuality. I’m sure not everyone will agree, but I think it’s as liberating and empowering as it is scandalous and sensual.
In a similar vein, earlier this year, I accompanied my friend to the Canberra Floor Dancing Competition.
They all came to the stage, divergent divas, cellulite-laden celebs, those whose thighs jiggled, and whose butts sagged, those with not much to shake, and those that could make the ground quake.
Despite this – or who knows because of it – these luscious ladies graced the stage, and were just spectacular!
The showwomanship and the athleticism of the smallest and largest ladies were equal, and if anything, I had more admiration for the bigger beauties -I know how hard it is to move your body like that and make it look good!
The shoes were insane, and the costumes delighted my inner magpie. It was a display in the marvel of the female form, in all its curvy wonder. The audience was largely female, and cheering them on for their style and their sass.
This was body positivity at its finest, all forms included and celebrated. It was a beautiful salve to the expectations often placed on women.
So how does one get Zero Fucks Given stage?
Many women feel like they need to lose weight in order to feel sexier.
Might I suggest that it is not merely your body that is or is not sexy, but how comfortable and confident you are in it.
Most people think that it is easier to be comfortable and confident in a skinnier body. It’s so seductive to think that in order to feel sexy, we need to change, we need to lose weight, we need to do something different.
What if that wasn’t true at all?
When we talk about wanting to lose weight, it’s not really the weight that we are losing, is it?
What about if instead of changing ourselves, we lost the weight of society’s expectations, the narrow minded, narrow-waisted opinions about what sexy can be?
Instead of doing our downward dogs and opting for salad over the burger we actually want, so that we can conform to societal expectations of what we should look like, or worse – just feeling constantly unworthy all the time – what if we just …didn’t?
Do you want to know what my kink is?
Confidence.
If I’m actually laying it all out on the table, I identify as a sapiosexual – I am utterly infatuated with intelligent, confident people that I can have heated debates with. It’s so fucking sexy. If they have glasses, so much the better.
Why am I telling you this?
Because I know the secret to being confident.
If you would like my $10 000 000 secret about how to instantly feel sexier, let me tell it to you now. Lean in close. You won’t find this in any movie, or TV ad.
This is it:
Are you ready?
(This is gonna blow your mind.)
Decide you are.
Decide you are desirable.
Believe you are sexy.
Accept your body, exactly as it is.
Enjoy your body.
Revel in your skin.
Change your thoughts about your body, and your body confidence will be transformed.
Confidence in your physical self, and confidence in your soul self are the single sexiest negligee you can ever don.
It is that simple.
And that difficult.
What helps you feel sexy? Was there a moment or an incident that helped you feel more relaxed in your body? If you have any ideas or suggestions for how to be more comfortable or confident in your own skin, then please do leave them in the comments below.
I will leave you with this clip from Nine that I channel if ever I need a confidence jolt.
Further reading: consumers of fashion images do not want divergent images or ‘real women’, and prefer ‘aspirational fantasies’, and slim women get a self-esteem boost when looking at larger models but ‘normal’ sized women freak out and want to go on diets and join the gym.
Naked beach – show hosted by plus size models that involves a lot of body paint, encouraging being comfortable.
Forbes’ mag satirising the power of plus-sized models to ‘glorify obesity’, as if they’ve harnessed the Force.
Gottman Institute article about singles, dating and real connection
Change is starting. I will say that in recent weeks when I have ventured out to shops for the first time in a year or so (in Ireland) I have been pleasantly surprised by the number of plus-size models and the variety of different body sizes, ethnicities and styles that I’ve seen represented in marketing photos in the likes of H&M, Pennies, Monsoon and more, but it seems but a drop in the bucket when you think about the idea that your average person is exposed to somewhere between 4000-10 000 advertisements a day. There’s still one body shape favoured over others, and not a jot of cellulite in sight.