Relationships are a beach

When I was 15, we used to go and stay with our friends in New Plymouth every Waitangi weekend, and we would always spend at least a day at the beach. 3 or 4 families would come together and stay at our friends’ farm, and between us there were at least 11 children. We would pack a chilly bin full of food, grab our boogie boards, and head out into the surf. Raucous, riotous and irreverent, these weekends are seared into my memory. We did a lot of fun stuff, but my favourite was always the beach days. 

Anyone who knows me knows I am a beach babe, a water monkey, part fish, – call it what you will – the water is my natural habitat. On these beach days, I would spend about 6 hours, sans wetsuit, barely stopping for a break, boogie boarding. I would ride the waves all the way into shore, get wiped out by taking on waves bigger than me, have competitions with my brothers about who could get closest to shore, try to push my Dad off his board without falling off mine mid-wave. I would ride the most gigantic waves again and again and again. It felt like flying! Alive, energised, free. I loved it!

Having spent enough years at church by this stage to know that anything could be turned into an analogy about life, I was musing to myself later that day, about how relationships are like beaches. 

Some people are quite contented to skim along the surface like swimmers, surfers or boogie boarders, riding the waves they can get, flirting with relationships, having fun, coming in and out of the shallowest of the shallows, and then when they’ve had their fun, collapsing with a book on the sand to dry out. 

Other people are more like snorkelers in relationships, in that they can start to see the real you, they have the willingness to stay, and see what’s really there, to spend time, observe, they might dive down to find the odd ‘pearl’ about you, but ultimately, they’re superficial also. They think they know you, but haven’t put in the time or energy to see what’s at the murky bottom, amongst the seaweed. 

I suppose you also have those that do not like to swim, or do not know how to swim. They point blank refuse to get in the water – it’s uncomfortable, salty, messy. There’s an element of risk – something might go horribly wrong! But they then miss out on all of the rewards as well – there is no feeling of flying as they careen along the waves, no seeing fish kiss, no swimming with dolphins, no diving for shellfish, no colourful coral reefs. That, I guess, is each and everyone’s choice, but just because we can’t swim now, doesn’t mean we won’t be able to swim ever. 

Anyone can learn to swim, if they put the time and effort into learning, and are willing to stay in the tension of not knowing for long enough to learn.

If your main aim is to stay safe, comfortable and dry, then you’re missing all the good, worthwhile stuff along the way. Taking the plunge involves getting a little messy and uncomfortable, and discovering, as the Little Mermaid would have it, that it’s better down where it’s wetter. The shore can be a lonely place.

Finally, you have the scuba divers, those who are willing to truly explore the ocean in its fullness and see it for the deep, alien, magical place it is. Scuba divers have to go to a lot of trouble to assimilate themselves into a foreign environment like the ocean, with thick wetsuits to ward off the cold, fins for easier kicking, air tanks to ensure they can breathe, weights to compensate against buoyancy – our natural propensity for returning to the surface – as if humans have a default to superficiality. 

These dedicated ocean lovers go to great lengths to overcome their natural human form, and see what the ocean has to offer. They can only stay down for a limited amount of time, until their air supply runs low, and have to return to the surface. Even with the scuba divers in your life willing to plumb the depths of your ocean (yea, I said it 😉 ) it is important to remember that they can’t dive all the time.

 

Now, not every beach is created equal. Some are smooth and calm, lapping gently at the shore. Others are rough and ready to annihilate you if you brave the waves. There are rips, rocks to be crushed against. One needs to choose carefully which beaches to bother with. If relationships are like beaches, they are equal parts treasure and treacherous; can delight or destroy. 

For those still on the sand, the fear of this happening can mean avoiding the ocean altogether. As with so many thoughts our brain presents us as fact, the likelihood of these risks are usually wildly overstated by a brain trying to keep you safe. Scuba divers will tell you that most sharks aren’t as dangerous as you think, and the scariest thing I’ve come across in the many hours spent in the ocean was accidentally standing on a flounder at Petone beach. 

That said, if you enter an ocean at the wrong beach, without the right skills or equipment, it may make for a quirky anecdote – or worse – you may not make it out to tell the tale. I think an element of learning how to swim in a pool – in a safe environment – and getting quality gear is important before entering any beach, to ensure you come out. 

If your childhood wasn’t a safe environment to learn how to swim, don’t worry, you’re not alone. There’s plenty of others that have put the time and intention into learning to swim later in life, and finding joy in the ocean they once feared. 

You will always have those people who just want to go for a paddle, who want to know the superficial you, and who will only ever make an educated guess – project themselves onto you – as to what they think your depths are like. You will always have those that are just out for a good time, and have no interest in who you really are and what you’re really about, but more just want to have fun and leave, and sometimes that’s fine, everyone needs a bit of fun. 

My favourite memory of the ocean is when I was staying on Mana Island in Fiji, and it was a very still, calm day. We were painting a school there, and we worked between 7-10 in the morning, had breakfast, then lounged about in the water until 4pm when it cooled off enough for us to do more work between 4-7pm. One day in particular, I just lay on my back and floated, for about half an hour, and the current carried me slowly, gently down the length of the beach. It was the most relaxed I’ve ever been in my life. This is what I picture when I’m going to a medical appointment that is going to involve pain or if I want to relax.

Some beaches, some oceans, some relationships are ones where you can just fully relax, just be, without any fuss or pretense, and be yourself. Some beaches churn with energy, and others faithfully swell to the shore in a predictable rhythm. 

Have a think about the ocean of you. How’s the swell? How well do you know your own depths before expecting others to scuba dive into yours? How treacherous are the waters? Are their rips ready to take out anyone attempting to swim at your beach? Do you have a marine conservation programme in place to ensure your ecosystem remains unpolluted? What is your preferred depth of relationship? 

I talk a big game about scuba diving, but I’m a boogie boarder at heart. I have to really weigh myself down to dive deep, but oh the precious gems I have found when I have put in the time and effort. 

I think that the most brilliant kind of relationships are the ones where you can swim, boogie board, snorkel and also dive. The conditions are largely favourable, and depth can vary from a crass joke or discussion about a broken nail one moment, to discussing grief, communication style, or if time is like a donut or a chicken leg the next. 

Learning to diversify from your default ocean depth means you can connect with the people you love on a deeper level or be silly and superficial when necessary. Exploring your own ocean, getting to know yourself a little better is a good way to start. Then have a go at diving into the beaches of others at a different depth than you normally would. It might be a little awkward at first, it might require you to read and learn how, it might require a frank conversation. But you will get to know a different version of the person you think you know. 

We all need to learn how to swim – drowning is not ideal – and learn how to fully embrace the beauty and wonder of the oceans and beaches we have access to. Conversely, we also need to learn how to spot a rip, and stay the hell out of dangerous water to keep ourselves safe. Not all beaches have lifeguards and some oceans are far too treacherous to ever enter, no matter the weather. 

How do you know your default ocean-engagement depth? 

Swimmers are typically chatty, friendly, conversational, but in day-to-day life stuff, small talk, practical chatter about concrete subjects, slightly more than acquaintances, slightly less than friends. The swimmers in your life are likely to know your hobbies, various functional elements of your life such as where you work, how many kids you have, who your latest crush is, perhaps your favourite song or movie. They might be able to order a coffee for you, but are not the type to turn up unannounced at your house with coffee. You’d wave to them in the street, toot at them if you saw them at the lights, you share a laugh, a joke, perhaps a crazy night out or two, but they’re not likely people you’d go to if your world was falling apart. They really enjoy you, you really enjoy them, but they’re not the speak-to-everyday kind of friends. 

Boogie boarders are the wild riders. They are out for a good time, and if you happen to be amiable, you might be along for the ride, but equally they’re happy to go to another beach if the surf is flat here. These could be called the fair-weather friends, they are all about having a good times, cruising along the surface, having a laugh, an excellent night out or ten, and woohooing all the way. They are fun, but they are fickle. As soon as the weather turns, they scamper away. The ocean is an optional extra for them. 

Surfers however, work on a more ‘ride or die’ philosophy. The storm is where they thrive – and between huge swells they enjoy hanging out on their boards, being in the sea. They are the ones that will be out in any weather. The stronger the wind, the better. They have a more symbiotic relationship with the ocean, understanding tides, swells, weather systems, and intentionally riding rips out to the back of the waves. They are true ocean lovers, and will try and catch a break even in the most unforgiving of conditions. They have utter joy in the ocean, but ultimately, a lot of their interactions are superficial as well. Their risk is greater, but so are their rewards. Their ocean experience is full of exhilarating rides, with the occasional wipe out. They have no qualms about getting wet, and it would take something extremely drastic to keep them away from the ocean.

Surfers are loyal companions, who will show up on time to any appointment, and hang off your every word. They truly want to get to know the real you, but watch out – if there’s no surf, they will be out of there, hunting for action. They don’t mind navigating around a few rocks to get to the good waves, but there needs to be some tension, some drama, something to surf, or these people will be hunting for another beach to paddle on. Surfers are excellent companions for high energy beaches, but they would be clueless in calm waters. They are marvellous companions during dramatic times, but do not know how to chill. These are the friends you call in an emergency, or when you need someone on your team, fighting for you, but maybe not someone you sit and drink tea with.

Snorkelers are observers. They do better in calmer waters, and really want to get to know their environment. They want to see all it has to offer – the fish, the reefs, the starfish, even the sharks are a wonder, and they are willing to spend more time to see these things. They enjoy the hunt, and want to spend a leisurely amount of time getting to know their local beach environment. These are the people that will happily sit down, listen to your whole life story, and occasionally decide that is a part of the ocean that they no longer want to swim in. These are the people who get close enough when they leave, it can hurt. They can be like an emotional tourist. They come, make great overtures about how amazing you are, then when you start to let your guard down, showing them the depths, they may baulk and head back to shallower waters. However, these companions are great to do hobbies with, (a book club perhaps? 😉 ) maybe do the weekly groceries together, have a drink at the bar with every Friday night. They’ll be the people that will drop off tissues or fruit after someone has died, but not the people that are close enough to stay and cry with you. Snorkelers are a solid, brilliant everyday friend, but are unwilling or unable to have heart to hearts, and panic when emotions come into the picture. These people will love you on your best days, when the conditions are calm and clear, but will likely flee when storms come. 

Divers are the keepers. They have a morbid fascination with the ocean, and it doesn’t matter the weather, they will find a way to be out in the water. They can also be the ones with spearguns, the ones hunting for ‘treasure’ as it were, souvenirs of their ocean voyages, but they are also the scientists, the explorers, those with an insatiable curiosity. Their love of the ocean cannot be stemmed, and it doesn’t greatly matter what kind of weird creatures or harmful pitfalls the ocean contains, they can seldom be deterred. They are fanatics, willing to put this particular part of the ocean under their microscope and learn the habitat, the habits of its creatures, and all of their idiosyncrasies. They are the ones that understand that sharks aren’t actually out to get you all the time, see the octopuses ink, tickle the underbelly of stingrays, and seek out the strangeness of seasons. The intensity of diving can be full on, and great if that is desirable, but it can be exhausting if your ocean is not used to having divers. Divers are people that really want to know everything about you, but are not likely to be satisfied if your beach is knee-deep for a kilometer out. 

Divers do need to come up to the surface for air at some point, and usually can swim, snorkel or surf if they desire, but prefer the depths. These are the people you want around when you are trying to work on yourself, or going through trauma. They are the philosophers, they are on your team, and will likely be respectful, wonderful companions, capable of that rare skill of just sitting with people, helping them mourn in the lows, or rejoicing with them in the highs. They will be the formidable people that will call you on your shit when necessary, but that is part of being a good friend. They are the kind of people that people feel comfortable sharing their entire life story with, and they are likely to offer an apt pearl of wisdom. They are not always the kind of person who you want at a dinner party, unless you want it turned into a quasi-counselling session, but they are the truest of true companions. 

There is a time and a place for each of these styles, and half the trick is reading the weather and working out what style of ocean-going will be best for today. If you are trying to surf in Wellington Harbour, you’re in for disappointment. Likewise, if you are trying to dive at Hot Water beach, then you need to mind the rocks, the rips and the sandbars. However, if you’re swimming at Hahei beach, you might be in for a treat.

Wherever you are, whatever level of ocean goer you are, know that with a bit of time, intention and effort, you can find beaches that will give you your desired depth. For your own beach, if you are wanting people to swim, surf, snorkel or dive, then try and make the conditions favourable. Watch out for the rips of negativity and judgement, erode the rocks of insecurity, create seawalls to find calm if there are too many storms to cope with. Cultivate coral reefs of creativity, colour and curiosity. Watch out for the pestilence of pollution from other toxic parts of the ocean, killing the harmonious ecosystem. 

Get yourself a weight belt and dive deep into the beaches available to you, plumb the depths, and see what marvels await you there. 

Happy swimming.